Squirrels Gone Wild
Posted by roadpoet on July 18, 2009
SQUIRRELS GONE WILD!
This week i was chased by a black squirrel. I would have held my ground if not for all the recent media on squirrel attacks. Apparently this year squirrel attacks have gone up. Every year there are two unfortunate people who die as a result of black squirrel attacks. So far this year, squirrels have claimed the lives of nearly three hundred. In a recent statement from the government, Sarah Frankfurthur-Secretary of Defense-Woodland Security, warned the public to stay away from black squirrels. Apparently their dna circuitry has been hacked by a twelve year old boy in RoskoPeeko, New Hampshire.
To better understand just how serious a risk these meddling creatures are, Mrs. Frankfurthur released this memo:
WARNING – WOODLAND TERRORISM INCREASE
Based on the increase of attacks this year, we feel obliged to disclose more information to the public. Be advised that this information was kept classified for reasons yet to be determined. Don’t react in panic, but please be aware of this increasing threat. Following are bits of information to help put this threat into perspective:
1. The first documented black squirrel attack resulting in human casualty happened to the unfortunate Robert P. Lyttle in 1886. Robert was attacked while delivering mail in Fallen Oaks, Missouri.
2. Black squirrels are responsible for 289 human casualties this year.
3. The Woodland Security has completed their investigation into the death of beloved Smokey the bear and concluded the cause of death to be black squirrel attack.
4. Truman C. Ahll is the only known living survivor of a black squirrel attack. His reporting of the attack has left us with these helpful ways to avoid attack. Never go into the woods alone. Never approach a black squirrel. Never keep a black squirrel as a pet. Learn to run faster. Know that when you see a black squirrel it is already too late.
Readers please take heed of these warnings! This new generation of black squirrels have learned to disguise themselves, and often perpetrate human gatherings. Details of the investigations linking black squirrels to the assasination of John Lennon and the Great Michigan Fire of 1871 have come back inconclusive, but that just shows how tricky thee little buggers can be.
These recent attacks have kept me from travelling this week, but as soon as the black squirrels are under control and the Department of Woodland Security reduces the threat level from orange to green I will be back on the road.
until then, love!
