Squirrels Gone Wild

 

SQUIRRELS GONE WILD!

This week i was chased by a black squirrel. I would have held my ground if not for all the recent media on squirrel attacks. Apparently this year squirrel attacks have gone up. Every year there are two unfortunate people who die as a result of black squirrel attacks. So far this year, squirrels have claimed the lives of nearly three hundred. In a recent statement from the government, Sarah Frankfurthur-Secretary of Defense-Woodland Security, warned the public to stay away from black squirrels. Apparently their dna circuitry has been hacked by a twelve year old boy in RoskoPeeko, New Hampshire.

To better understand just how serious a risk these meddling creatures are, Mrs. Frankfurthur released this memo:

WARNING – WOODLAND TERRORISM INCREASE

Based on the increase of attacks this year, we feel obliged to disclose more information to the public. Be advised that this information was kept classified for reasons yet to be determined. Don’t react in panic, but please be aware of this increasing threat. Following are bits of information to help put this threat into perspective:

1. The first documented black squirrel attack resulting in human casualty happened to the unfortunate Robert P. Lyttle in 1886. Robert was attacked while delivering mail in Fallen Oaks, Missouri.

2. Black squirrels are responsible for 289 human casualties this year.

3. The Woodland Security has completed their investigation into the death of beloved Smokey the bear and concluded the cause of death to be black squirrel attack.

4. Truman C. Ahll is the only known living survivor of a black squirrel attack. His reporting of the attack has left us with these helpful ways to avoid attack. Never go into the woods alone. Never approach a black squirrel. Never keep a black squirrel as a pet. Learn to run faster. Know that when you see a black squirrel it is already too late.

Readers please take heed of these warnings! This new generation of black squirrels have learned to disguise themselves, and often perpetrate human gatherings. Details of the investigations linking black squirrels to the assasination of John Lennon and the Great Michigan Fire of 1871 have come back inconclusive, but that just shows how tricky thee little buggers can be. 

These recent attacks have kept me from travelling this week, but as soon as the black squirrels are under control and the Department of Woodland Security reduces the threat level from orange to green I will be back on the road.

until then, love!

I thought it’d be bigger

After a few set-backs (radiator explosion, several friendly references to unknown sesame street characters, etc.) I finally made the trek to Paris!

In fact I then turned around and drove straight thru to St. Louis ( www.stlouismi.com) . Isn’t Michigan swell!

Paris, Michigan has a version of the Eiffel tower, and St. Louis, Michigan has a version of the mighty Mackinaw Bridge, albeit they are both much smaller than the originals. The Eiffel Tower (in Paris Park) is about 20 feet tall, and the bridge can be found behind the Mini-Mac storage facility.

In a state that has both Paradise and Hell, Paris and St. Louis don’t seem so surprising. We got it all in Michigan!

What a day! This is a great trip to save for the day when you’re feeling small, because you’ll certainly feel like a giant looking over these mini replicas. A minor let down is that I didn’t run into any memorable people at either of these sights. I was alone at the bridge, and the only people near the tower were a couple of young lovers…apropos for Paris I suppose. I did meet an older lady with purple hair while stopping for coffee in Big Rapids, Michigan (www.ci.big-rapids.mi.us) but she was a bit on the grumpy side. Perhaps it was my first question  (Do you think shag carpet will ever come back in style?) She simply grunted, never breaking her frown. Oh well, on to the next episode…

Total miles travelled: 146

Hunting in Michigan

Knowing nothing about hunting, I decided to join my hunting friends on a 3 day excursion in the great Michigan outdoors and learn just why people like to kill unarmed animals. Oh joy! what fun ensues, I’m sure!

HUNTING TRIP DAY #1: LOADED FOR SNIPE!

Two hours into the darkening forest, I finally realize that perhaps I’ve been the butt of someone’s overactive imagination. Crawling through foliage with my appointed snipe weapon – a brown paper grocery bag, I notice that my friends have all disappeared from this hunting excursion. Another hour of walking around in circles, feeling my way back to the campsite – I arrive among welcome laughter! No worries – 2 more days of hunting, and I’m sure they’ll be better than this…

HUNTING TRIP DAY #2: Michigan’s Sasquatch!

Ok, I know all about this one! I’ve followed stories for the past twenty years about hunters, hikers, and the like spotting an unknown animal in these woods. Last fall Edwin Faltrip, a 72 year old farmer from around these parts, snapped a photo of this creature. It doesn’t stand upright like the other Sasquatch, and it looks to me like a morbidly obese muskrat, but no one knows for sure what it is. Standing nearly four feet tall when on all fours, it’s always been spotted eating pumpkins. So last winter my friends, in their infinite wisdom, froze nearly 400 pumpkins. And now our plan is to create a massive pumpkin dump that supposedly this ‘thing’ won’t be able to stay away from. So today we spent seven hours carrying and arranging a pumpkin trap. And then we slept! So two days in the woods and no dead animals. Perhaps tomorrow is the day!

HUNTING TRIP DAY #3: Jackalopes and snares!

Today I learned how to set snares, well I watched Willy set his snares while mine all became twisted around my arms, legs, and once I even trapped my left ear…don’t ask. After all the snares were set, we hid in the brush for a looooooooong time. We saw several jack rabbits dance, duck, and dive right around the snares. Supposedly, Willy says, the jackalope’s antlers will deceive him as he tries the same moves, and whammo! we’ll have him. Waiting for something to happen today, I felt like I was in a roadrunner cartoon. At one point I began to get paranoid of an acme anvil above my head, but it never dropped! at dusk we gave up and went to make s’mores. Hunting seems a lot like waiting. I don’t get the whole enjoyment part. Anyway tomorrow we go home!!!

July 6 2009

WHEN BAMBI ATTACKS!

Last night I went disc golfing with Larry, owner of Worry Free Satellites (www.worryfreetv.net) , and Pete, owner of an infectious laugh, at the new course at Deerfield Park – just a few miles West of Mt. Pleasant on M-20. This course is in the woods and tough – my best score is 6 over par – last night I shot a +7……on the first hole…ouch. But the reason for this post is what happened on hole 13. Steadying for my approach shot I caught glimpse of two fawns who weren’t happy to see me. They were tiny (a little taller than knee high) but as they charged I saw murder in their eyes. For a brief moment I was kissing goodbye and chance of future little roadpoet’s ever being born. Just steps before ramming me to the ground they turned and shot into the woods. Just before I lost sight of them I caught one looking back, as if laughing and mocking me. Looking back I believe I learned one thing from the bambi episode: next time I should RUN AWAY!

COPS & DOUGHNUTS

For the past week I’ve been dying to check out the donut shop in Clare, which is owned by cops. Seriously! I know you don’t want to believe me, so check it out for yourself (www.copsdoughnuts.com) . I’m a bit of a doughnut connoisseur, having worked at the home of the best doughnuts in the state: Sweetwater’s Donut Mill in Kalamazoo (www.sweetwatersdonuts.com), so I prepared to ‘take one for the team’ and suffer through eating a donut or two for the sake of this review. For $1.25 I left with a fritter and a glazed cake donut= A+ for affordability! They had no T-shirts in my size= C (new order of shirts coming in July 11^th). The fritter wasn’t anything special, although I’m not a fritter guy so realistically it could have been the best fritter in the world and I wouldn’t know it. The glazed cake doughnut was a marvelous surprise-very fluffy, and thicker than most places. In fact it was the best coffee dipping cake doughnut I’ve had to date, so overall rating on doughnuts B+. By the way even though every donut I’ve had at Sweetwater’s has been excellent, the crème de le crème is their Apple Crumb donut.

GLASS MOSAIC HOUSE

I’ve driven past this odd little glassy, shiny house many times while travelling M-20 between Mt. Pleasant & Midland. So today I checked it out, and it happens to be a John Pratt House (www.creativespiritcenter.org/john_pratt.htm) . The exterior is covered with mosaics made mostly from broken porcelain & glass, with bottle caps and other things thrown in. Pictures at www.facebook.com/roadpoet . As I circled the house snapping photos I was constantly getting bit by mosquitoes, but I never saw them. At one point I held my arm in front of me and even though I kept getting bit I never saw anything-no mosquito, no bug, nothing. So it’s either the return of the karma bugs from last July or Mr. Pratt’s ghost was playing games with me. I don’t care to seek the truth on this one. Perhaps I was so tired from being up all night that I was ‘feeling things.’

SKYDIVING ATTEMPT #1

Driving back to Mt. Pleasant I decided to see if I could go skydiving since there was almost no clouds in the sky. I figured I was so tired that perhaps I would be less scared. I’m horrified by thought of skydiving, and I’m terrified of heights. So perhaps it’s a good thing that Central Michigan Skydivers (www.skydivecms.com/) was closed.

Total mileage: 92

WEEK 1 – Back from Mackinaw / Mackinac

One thing you have to do in Mackinaw City—no, not buy fudge (although you almost have to do that to!)—stop by the grocery store in town and purchase the latest copy of the Porcupine Press (www.upmag.net) . It’s well worth the four bucks, and even though I’ve seen it sold at many places North of Grayling, this is the only place that has always had it in stock (although on this trip I bought their last copy). It’s about 80 pages of full-color chicanery on newsprint. Think ‘The Onion’ meets ‘the U.P.’ I’d hate for you to pass up the opportunity to read about picking night crawlers, the new iBoob, the old fart gazette, or recipes for pasties & zippy onion relish. My particular favorite from this issue is a prayer: “Dear God: This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer” That about says it all….

I stopped in Clare (www.cityofclare.org) for dinner and walked right past the largest cock I’ve ever seen. A little place called Bob’s Lounge has a giant rooster out front, and inside the chicken is impressive too! A great place for a reasonably priced scrumptious meal if you’re ever in Clare. Living as close as I do, I’ll definitely be back. Thanks Bob!, if there really is a Bob behind all that chicken. Maybe I’ll meet him next time.

Making it back to Mt. Pleasant (www.mountpleasantwow.com)  in time to get thrown in a friend’s pool, towel dried, and thrown in again; then dive-bombed by a mosquito family reunion while disc golfing, I met friends and the masses upon the hill at Mid Michigan Community College (www.midmich.cc.mi.us)  to watch the fireworks across the road at the Soaring Eagle Casino & Resort (www.soaringeaglecasino.com) . Now I grew up around Bay City (www.tourbaycitymi.org) and learned to appreciate a well-developed quality fireworks show, but these were free (Bay City now charges a $1 donation) and outstanding! Did I mention they were free, oh yeah I guess I did.

WEEK 1 RECAP so far: (1) marriage proposal from a stranger; (8) miles of island running; ($free) firework show; (2) times getting thrown in a pool; (1) loud muffler; ($212) for new muffler and exhaust; (8-10) Asians w/o cameras; (1) giant rooster; (17) mosquito bites; too much time on facebook; (1) sports injury-will update status next week; (352) miles travelled—a pretty uneventful first week.

WEEk 1 – Here We Go Again!

Not yet forty and I’ve worked over 50 different jobs. During the summer of 1993 I worked as a busboy on Mackinac Island (www.mackinacisland.org) . It was probably the best (fell in love with poetry) & worst (my anti-social addictive behaviors skyrocketed) summer of my life. The Island is one of those magical places where it feels like everything in the world stops for a moment and breathes in its serene surroundings and silky air. So when I was considering where to start year 2—The Island was the only choice that came to mind.

I arrived in Mackinaw City (www.mackinawcity.com) late in the day, so I bedded down in the old Travel Lodge—now called Great Lakes Inn: A quaint 46-room hotel on the South edge of town owned by a friendly German couple. The week day rates are great-I stayed 2 nights and the total was just under $100, and the gal running the place (Allison) was knowledgeable, friendly and very helpful.

Upon arrival in town I quickly learned that a lot of the young employees schlepping fudge, taffy, and t-shirts, are here on work visas—which leaves a bittersweet residue on my palate. I spoke briefly with one such worker and learned she was hoping to stay in America, hoping to find a husband. *Tada* instant marriage-just add one knucklehead. And right on cue – I walked in. I spent this week researching ‘marriage fraud’ and deciding the only way I’d marry this girl is if we actually become husband and wife. Hey, why not? Like marriages here work out very often the old-fashioned way. Not knowing each other before getting married might actually give us a chance, right? But, alas, it was not meant to be-she is looking into other options. If I was her and there was an option other than attaching for life to this often offbeat stranger I’d go for it too! I guess I need to cancel my reservations at the chapel in Las Vegas. Does God do refunds?

So free from the chains of marriage I snuck off to view the sunset at my secret place-a rock, a couple miles West of Mackinaw City. Watching the sunset here is worth the trip, even if you do nothing else while there. Directions: follow the main street (Central) West out of town. The road ends in a ‘T’ – turn right and travel half a mile to the water’s edge. You can park there and see an excellent unadulterated view of the ‘Mighty Mac’ bridge to your right. Walk along the shoreline toward the bridge and you’ll find a huge rock jutting out of the water. Perch yourself atop the rock and watch the sun delve into the water—but first check the rock for current seagull whitewashing. Then…shh! Don’t tell anyone else about the spot—it’s a secret!

I made it to the Island the following day. Tips for the ferry ride—enroute to the island sit on the left, returning from the island sit on the right, and if the weather is friendly sit on the top deck. The ferry docked just before high noon, I ducked into a phone booth to change (ok it was the ferry companies’ bathroom) and headed out amidst the 90+ heat to run the 8 miles around the perimeter of the island. It was too hot for the run, and I was too stupid not to run, so I ran. And ran. And ran. At one point a nervous older lady smartly choosing to bike around, stopped and offered me water. Thank God for compassionate souls! The view around is worth the trip, but I recommend taking a bike. A special treat not on any of the maps is a couple miles in (travelling counter-clockwise from town)—where some kind spirit(s) have built rock formations on the shoreline—simply breathtaking and meditative.

A little over an hour later I was back at the center of town, having completed my idea of torturous fun, dripping sweat. Stripping down to bare feet and running shorts I snuck over to the marina, slipping past the boats and down a dock ladder to cool off in the pristine (read: chilly!) waters. And all was again right with the world.

If it’s your first trip and you can afford it I suggest spending a night on the island. I couldn’t and didn’t, but the night-life on the island is something to behold, containing a menagerie of calm cool night winds, bats battling for bugs, and musical entendres billowing from various bars. I suggest pizza at The Mustang (www.mustangonmackinac.com) , but the food is good everywhere.

If you stay the night in Mackinaw City, I recommend dining at Darrow’s Family Restaurant (www.darrowsrestaurant.com) , one of the few restaurants left which retains the taste and quality of down home cookin’. I stuffed myself too much on dinner, but have heard their pies redefine delicious—so save room.

Leaving Mackinaw City and heading South I was eventually drawn to the Michigan Welcome Center (www.michigan.org/Welcome-Centers/Default.aspx) . An oddity for the middle of the state, many miles from any other state border. But in case you were asleep at the wheel for the past several hours, then WELCOME TO MICHIGAN! Travelling along US-127, you’ll find it just North of the city of Clare. It’s basically a rest area injected with a plethora of information about Michigan. During business hours the information room is open and staffed by knowledgeable residents. Basically it has brochures for every city, county, entertainment site, roadside attraction, golf course, and camping ground in the state. If you arrive there with an idea of where you’re going make sure to tell the workers and they can point you to other nearby attractions, and maybe save you a few bucks. I asked about Mackinac Island and one worker handed me a coupon worth $3 off the price of the ferry (a bit of a bummer since I had already gone and was on my way from there). I did encounter a group of eight or ten Asian men and women, none of whom had a camera tethered around their necks—stereotypes be damned!

Road Poet’s Michigan Travelblog

So now that year 2 is upon us, I thought it might be time to change things up a bit.

I’m getting pretty sick of all the national news media slamming on Michigan. Companies are closing at record pace, unemployment is through the roof, foreclosures are becoming the norm, people are fleeing-seeking jobs in other states, and the overall mood about Michigan appears rather glum. But damnit I love Michigan! I’ve lived here all my life and I’ll be damned if the capitalists, politicians, and media will chase me out.

I’m determined to keep Michigan alive!

So this year as I travel around Michigan and share my sometimes humorous, sometimes down right absurd experiences–the focus will be on the people and places of Michigan that make this state so damn great!

That’s right—we’re bringing Michigan back! And I’m not above embellishing my stories a bit to keep you entertained. All I ask in return is that you reconsider everything you’re hearing about how our state is plummeting, and consider spending some of your green on the places and businesses that make Michigan the incredible state that it is!!!

I have no idea what experiences this year holds, where I will go next, or even what I’ll do when I get there. If you have any suggestions send them along.

And for those who missed last year here’s a very brief recap of some of its high (& low) points: suicidal bats, karma bugs, wild turkeys, getting chased by an entire church congregation, fudgies, the professional disc golf association’s world championship, taking a private jet to D.C., almost getting kicked off the private jet before even boarding the darned thing, rejection letters, fear, fear, and more fear, and oh yeah–living in a van.

Obviously I left a ton out from last year……….stay tuned for this year’s adventures……….

Too many projects!!!

I’ve been writing a ton lately, but been all over the place working on 4 separate projects.
1. The original story, book
2. The series of short poems
3. Book about how to change from the mindset of ‘ego’ to the mindset of ‘humility’
4. A travelblog with a roadpoet flare—to be housed right here!

It seems I need to focus my writing so #1 & #2 will be set aside until I get closer to finishing #3 & #4

Hope all is well with everyone…Peace!

p.s.-Now on facebook with keyword: roadpoet